The reason why I call the developmental task of the second transition "mutual individuation" is that to successfully survive this transition, couples must support each other in their pursuit of self, and at the same time re-plan a path based on their interests and desires. And work hand in hand in the same direction. Many dual-income couples I interviewed found the transition daunting, like Matthew and James, who both managed to escape in the first place.
Since both Matthew banner design and James are ambitious people, it feels like a betrayal to pursue themselves, so they are terrified. This explains why we avoid the second shift. Because at least on the surface, the desire to find yourself and live more like yourself seems to be a threat to the relationship. Resist the second shift To enter the second transition and embark on an individual journey, couples must admit that the common path they charted during the first transition no longer works.
Doing so puts many things at risk—the self-identity, intimacy, and career they’ve developed during this time. They have to question their current career. No wonder they resist - "I should be content" "I have a good life, why don't I look for trouble" "I have too many responsibilities and I don't have time to doubt myself". I hear couples tell themselves this, trying to clear their doubts. The ambivalence about the second shift has held many people back. When I first visited Benjamin, he had been questioning his work and life for almost a year, and had been avoiding the question.